I Broke No Contact.

Every “dating coach” yelling in the digital echo chamber about not breaking no contact can fuck off before telling me what I did is dumb. Obviously it is case by case, and there are some really weird and disturbing people that need to stay the hell away from everyone. Not my case by any means. I’m aware that I’m a loser dork that played an equal part in a horrificly failed relationship, but the friendship in that relationship is what I broke no contact for. 

  I can mourne a lost friend, and I can mourne a failed relationship. But to lose both? I can’t afford the amount of alcohol and hospital bills from stupid stunts needed to move on. You see, the relationship was built on an anxious platform and poorly reinforced by a unstable and aggressive person, with a passive and scared shitless person. I was passive and scared shitless.

  I hate what that relationship was. A big fucking middle finger to myself because I can’t advocate and love myself enough? God, Ivy. Just blow your brains out if you can’t live for yourself. Obviously I’m still here though, so I can live for myself! Yippee! I think? I hope..

  It’s been exactly 3 months from the break up when I broke no contact. I’ve been stuck in the “maybe we can be friends?” Limbo because friends is what we perfectly were before it went to hell. I sent a text in hopes to try to reach a response. I clearly stated the boundary of not seeking romance, trying to get my best friend back, knowing that the message was a shot in the dark, and that I still wish them best and will respect the silence from then on since I aired it all out. Very nice, concise, polite. 

  I got blocked immediately. I’m not surprised by any means, but I am happy. I took action, and got a result. Not this Schrödinger’s no contact horse shit. Having a concrete response eased me more than a what if. 

  I know that 10 years later I won’t dwell on a what if, because I killed the what if. 

  Why am I sharing this? Even though it seems like common sense, common sense isn’t common. JUST DO IT. Stop being fuckin afraid or dwelling on what ifs. You’ll regret it if you don’t get it over with. What’s worse that can be said compared to what I used to tell myself everyday? Nothin. 

  Now if you’re a fuckin stalker and a weirdo, then obviously don’t. Be aware of yourself before doing any of this shit. But if you think you can handle the worst response, and it burns you alive to kill the what if, then kill the what if. You’ll thank yourself.